If you could see me right now, you’d probably take a step back. Mascara that didn’t come off all the way last night is smudged under my eyes. My hair is up in a lopsided messy bun. I do have workout clothes on, which is a small win, but I didn’t go to the gym this morning.
This is when I like myself least. When I tell myself I’m going to be up at 5:30 AM and then let myself fall back asleep until 7. When I lay out my workout clothes the night before and have the best intentions of getting to the gym early, and then get distracted on my phone and don’t leave in time. Right now, I have 25 minutes left until I have to leave for class, but I just felt like I needed to sit down and start typing this.
I was just sitting here eating a grapefruit in my dorm room, thinking about how mad I was for not getting up early and failing to head straight to the gym once I did get up. I was mad at myself for not sticking to the new habits I’ve wanted to put in place in my life. Really upset at my lack of discipline. Here’s the thing: I know my life is better when I’m self-disciplined. Take yesterday, for example. 5:30 in the morning came, and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t hit snooze and crawl back into bed. I got right up, pressed start on my coffee maker, put my workout clothes on, had time to sip my coffee, pray, read my Bible, and accomplished all of that before leaving for the gym at 7. An hour later, my workout was done and I was back at my dorm with time to shower and get ready for class without rushing out the door. It was peaceful and amazing.
So why can’t I repeat that every day? Truthfully, I can, but I stop myself. I loosen my grip on the rope of discipline, which starts letting some slack on the rope. It’s when I don’t stick to getting to bed early and know that it’s going to make me tired in the morning, but I foolishly do it anyway.
It made me mad at myself that I didn’t repeat that
But even when you get those good habits down, there will be a day or two when you slip up and don’t follow through. We’re human and it happens. I slip up a lot, and that’s why I’m writing this! (To hopefully encourage you and keep myself accountable 🙂 ) In fact, I almost told myself not to write a blog post about this because I thought, why would anyone want to read something about self-discipline from someone who doesn’t have this figured out yet? But honestly, I don’t want to be someone who has it all figured out. I don’t want to wait to write about something until I’ve perfected it because, well, I do that all the time and then I never write. Here’s one more thought I had this morning:
Grace, don’t you realize that the time you just spent praying and reading God’s word matters? Eating this grapefruit and enjoying your coffee matters? Writing your thoughts out in your notebook this morning, that matters! So quit beating yourself up for not being at your best because God still loves you at your worst.
Maybe my “wasted” time this morning wasn’t actually wasted at all. How soon I forget that it is a blessing to wake up, even when I wake up late (and um, hello? The fact that you don’t have class until 10 AM is pretty darn awesome…don’t take that for granted, girl!) It is a blessing to have a beating heart, even when it’s not at a high-intensity workout rate.
Here’s the thing — I don’t have it all together. And sure, there is a place for helping others using the lessons you’ve already learned and trials you’ve walked through, and there are things I want to share on this blog that I hope help you and are valuable to your life. But I also just want to let you know that I’m right here with you. You probably have a million things you could teach me right now that I don’t even know about, and I know you could have an amazing blog of your own.
So thank you for reading mine. I’m just a 19-year-old girl, a freshman in college, trying to follow the Lord and do my best every day. Sometimes I fail, oftentimes I don’t get everything done that I wanted to in the day. I’m way too hard on myself and then way too soft on myself at other times. I’m so far from perfect. I’m inconsistent with writing and posting because I stop myself with fear and doubt all the time. It’s a bad habit, but I’m working on it. So if you’re reading this, thank you. It really means the world to me.
I’ll leave you with this verse that I just read for the first time this morning. I think it’s a simple thing we can try our best to do every
“…do what is right and do not give way to fear.”
1 Peter 3:69